m i a trouble maker? or m i a trouble ??? izzit tis a better word??  maybe....

my mind chooses to stay in negative condition and not to innovate or improve...i will be like a crazy girl or a unconscious girl when i m alone or in trouble or problems come so sudden together...i m so depressed since sunday...the day i saw u , make up my mind , told myself not to think about you , but it fails...

my family ...izzit reali seems like a family?? all the family members are busy wif their own work , life r seperating far far away...my dad , who works as an aircraft technician , working shift , cant see him all the time , i will meet him up onli 3 -4 hours if i gt the chance to meet him on tat day...my elder sis , waiting her class to start , i manage to see her at nite around 3- 4 hours a day , my little sis , worse , max 2 hours to see her since she lived in grandma house becoze of her school problem ...and i ? working from 10 - 6pm..but go out at 8a .m and reach home around 7pm..cant even communicate wif my family properly...tis is the sadness deep inside my heart...besides tat , calling my dad?? not possible..he has to work , i cant call him ...

the second thing tat depress me is my family finance problems...i wish i could understood all the finance stuff , i can help my dad to solve his credit and loan problems..i m so sad when i see the shadow of my dad , the loneliness and the tiredness come from him...i make me feel so guilty tat i still have to ask the money from him...i cant even help him to solve his problem although i m 18 years old...i dont tell anyone tat i love my dad coz i used to treat my dad bad , talk loudly to him , sometimes even scold him when he did something tat i think was wrong..i noe tat i was so wrong to scold him tat way , but , i m too embarass to tell my dad tat i love him..i can tell him face to face...i m shy...i will onli show my love from the way i act to him...i hope he noes tat i love him so much...when i see the tiredness from his face , my heart was hurting , tis is my dad , and i always blame he is not care me as much as my sisters...i noe i m bad...maybe he thinks tat i noe to think in a deeper way , my mum used to treat me normal coz she noes tat i can differentiate the advantages of doing something which is good to me....they dont reali worry about me so much..i learn to be dependant since standard 1...

i cant get much much caring from my family...dont think my sis will gv me 100 %...she wont...i m so lazy to talk about her..i do feel give up on her sometimes...maybe she has her own way..but plz dont let me feel like i m a dog to u..treat me very good when u r happy or the other way round...who m i to u??a dog?? or ur pet??show ur anger to me from the time to time as u like??? maybe i m so childish to u and the one likes to make u embarass..i m so sorry tat u have such a sister like me..i m a commitment to u , and i noe tat...starting from now on , yea , i m ur servant , ur maid , treat me as good as u can when u r happy , and dont talk to me when u r sad or angry ...juz do it..i will understood...i m too tired to follow your steps ..maybe u have want u ask , u think u r deserved it , but sry..i m not..i m not as lucky as u , i have to work hard all the time to get wat i wan..u say u borrow money from ur fren , yea , u have alot of frens to help u but i m not u ...i dun have so much of frens tat have tat  much of credits...as a conclusion , u r the queen and i m the servant ...

btw , i m so thankful tat i still have another two family..one is my frens..another one is my god-family..especially ,my god ma , she is wonderful , cares me so so much juz like my mum...she fed me till i grow up , she is the one makes me want to hug her so much ....gv me the most safe protection no matter wat happen...i always visit her when i was free although she stays in jinjang...i told myself , if i manage to get a high salary , the first thing i will do is buy her bird nest and bring her out to enjoy her life...i care her so much coz she is like my mum...

mum , athough u leave me so many years , but i still missing u , cry when thinking about u , i noe i dont mention u all the time , but i m sure tat u r always in my heart , u take the place , the deepest and most important place in my heart , love you mum , u r great coz u r the one sending me to tis world...missing you , your daughter ....

few things tat i wish i can hit these targets :

1. call up minimum 50 customers a day or else more than tat..

2. earn as much as i can like 4k a month..so tat i can clear my credit , pay my driving lessons , buy a camera and a phone 4 myself...

3.buy a cellphone and not borrow from others anymore..

4. earn money to travel to taiwan

5 .help my dad to pay his monthly loan

6.to become more self conscious and strong enough to face any problems.

7.force myself to think more mature and be brave

8.think from many aspects not the shallowing part

suppose to be thses much 1st...i will add on when there is necessary...

feel good after posting tis ...i hope i can migrate to other country and leave tis place tat full with all my sadness...wish to 4gt this and everything...